I’m sitting on a huge table, full of things – I’d like to name it The Table Of Whole – and of course you cannot grab everything at the same time, not even at different times, you have to choose the things that are right for you, otherwise you’ll be screwed.

Life’s taught me that CHOOSING the RIGHT things out of it, makes you better or worse, makes who you are, how you live… Now, it’s the time for me to make more choices, it’s a pain in the ass, believe me!

This morning I had to choose between getting up of my bed or laying down there, just contemplating what’s outside of my bedroom window… I chose to wake up, tough it’s freezing to death. Last night I had to choose between going to sleep overthinking things or just trying to get some sleep and get rested – that’s something I’ve been needing nowadays – and my choice was to rest at ease, or at least try to do so… There were like a million butterflies running ’round my head, too many thoughts, too many concerns ’bout my life that aren’t quite solved yet!

I have to choose between dealing with my issues the regular way – rushing into things & conclusions, not being patient for things to come the natural way to me, getting upset and getting angry at everyone I LOVE – or finding a new and improved way to deal with all the shit around me; it’s getting harder by the minute, I have this weird sensation in my stomach, like when you sense something’s going to happen, something bad, really bad… And I need to get rid of this feeling as soon as possible, not only ’cause I’m hurting myself, but other people too… I’ve been selfish, I’ve been bad, I’ve not taken full responsabilty for my actions and I’m complaining still, even tough I’m aware of the all repercusions.

I’m sitting here at The Table Of Whole, just thinking, over analyzing things… What’s bad it’s bad, and that’s the way it is, some’d say! I know that the color of the sky is blue and that it turns into red due to the effect of the position of the sun, I know that fresh water is tasteless and I’m here trying to alter its flavor by adding sometimes sugar - in the worst case scenario, salt -, I know my heart beats at the rythm of another heart, but still I’m trying to force ‘em into beating at the same time as mine… I know I’m wrong, but sometimes… I just don’t know how or what to choose!

I had to say YES to many things that, in the first place, deserved a NO… Want examples?
Having to wear something that didn’t fit me and made me look like crap, having to please my parents in order to get some attention and after all not getting any, having to sleep with someone I didn’t even like, having to lower my guard even when fists were thrown at me, having to silently cry many nights for this powerlessnes that kept me from doing what I think was right for me, having to give up on some things that I like for the sake of sanity… Maybe I said YES to all that, but in the back of my mind remains the constant question: What if say NO from time to time? Would it hurt other people this bad? Would it hurt me instead?

On the other hand, many NOs just popped out of my mouth not thinking or caring for other people’s needs and feelings.
I refused to let you hug me, just because I wasn’t feeling well; refused to write back a letter to a friend for my supposed lack of time, refused to do what the doctor said in order to have a better health, refused to give up on someone who didn’t believed on what I believe just because I didn’t want to be alone again, refused to take things calmly when we get in a fight and instead playing the drama-king role… What if I would have said NO when I needed to? Would my life be any different? Would thigs now be better for me and everyone around me?

The point is, I have to choose… It’s NOW or maybe it’ll be too fucking late!

To say YES to everything that is good in essence, not to judge by its appearence.
To say NO to evertything that already caused me pain and it’s returning to me all over again.
To say YES to a hug, a kiss, a big-great-full love, no questions asked.
To say NO to unnecessary risks, those may cause the exact opposite of what I want from life.
To say YES to reinvention, to bliss, to my talents and embrace my lack of many.
To say NO to temptation of any kind, ’cause if you ever want to be happy, you have to start by saying NO THANX!

THE GREATEST THING YOU’LL EVER LEARN IS TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IN RETURN… And I do, I am!

TASP!!! With all my heart, body & soul!
EEADMV!!! I waited a lifetime 4U, now I’m keeping you!
S1GP!!! Just because WE chose to be it!
2G4E!!! And that’ll happen just if God wants to!